Classroom Management and an Ethic of Care: Building Relationships with Your Most Difficult Students

In my four years (okay, not quite four year yet - I was rounding) of full-time teaching, I've never had to write a referral. Sometimes that confuses me. I've seen other teachers who have much better structure than I do. Whenever I get to see someone else's class, I almost always find a new routine or strategy that could help me manage students better. There are days where I probably look like I'm herding cats, and I definitely have those days where all I want to do is go home, kick up my feet, pour myself a nice cold beverage, and pretend the day went much better than it did.

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On those days, what I have to remind myself of is that my goal is not to control my students. My goal is not to have a silent classroom. My goal is not to have everyone doing exactly what I want when I want them to because I worry that we sometimes stifle learning by making it too rigid.

My goal is to ensure that every student learns, and in order to do that, every single student in my classroom needs to know that I care about them. More important than any rules I could set up is the fact that every single student in my classroom knows that I care about them as a student and as a person.

For the people who know me, especially in a professional context, this isn't easy for me. We've all had the English teacher who has us write long journal entries and has us reflect on our feelings in a three-page reflection essay. If that English teacher is like a snuggly teddy bear, I'm probably more like a wooden board. On my good days, I'm like a wooden board that's been soaked in water for a little bit.

This is me when I'm expected to be emotional in a professional context.
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As a result of my natural tendencies, I struggled to find the balance in being a teacher who cared and a teacher who was strict. What I learned though was that it wasn't the surface-level components that mattered. Yes, to some extent they were important, but there were truly foundational components that mattered more.

Here are some of the most important components that really matter in a successful classroom management system.

1. Listen to Students (Even When You Think You Already Know)

As teachers, we aren't always the best listeners. Unfortunately, this is also true in classroom management crises. When a student does something out of line, we often make snap judgments and then tell students how we want them to behave. Here are two different lines I use to try to approach behavioral issues from a listening perspective: 

1. "Tell me how you're feeling right now."
2. "What do you need right now?"

After the student has had time to answer each prompt, only then do I start in, and when I do, I only answer the second question by telling them what I and/or the class needs right now. While this method takes a bit longer, the results also last longer. The student knows that you care about them, but they also are willing to listen to what you need and why because you listened to them first. 

Be sure to avoid this dilemma. Students know when you're being inauthentic.
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2. Give Students Hope (Even if They Have a History of Failure)

If I had to be somewhere that I knew I would never be successful and someone was trying to make me do something I knew I was going to fail at, you bet I'd act out. I either wouldn't do it, or I'd make a scene when someone tried to force me to do it. In order to minimize outbursts and off-task behavior due to the fact that specific students have been conditioned to view work as a reflection their failures, we have to give students hope. 

While it seems disconnected from our classroom management practices, our grading system is the most influential piece in changing that culture in our classroom. If students know that growth is valued, if students know their grade is not determined until the end of a term, then there is always hope for them to improve. If we tell them that their failures at the beginning of a course will make them unsuccessful when they're only halfway through the course, good luck keeping them on task and valuing being in the classroom. 

3. Tell Students They Belong (Even in the Hardest Moments)

The worst thing to do with behaviorally troublesome students is to tell them they don't belong in the classroom. Every time we send a student out (be it just to the hallway or a suspension), we tell them that we don't want them in here. There will be times that a student needs to cool off, and in those moments, it can be helpful to tell them to go grab a drink of water. However, there should never be an expectation that they aren't allowed back into the classroom. 

In general, students who misbehave often have already had the message reinforced that they don't belong, whether that's through failing grades, previous suspensions, former interactions with school personnel, etc. Simply reiterating that message will do nothing to change that behavior. If you truly want to change that student's behavior, you have to change the narrative they tell themselves about school. 

I remember the moment where I learned this. Students were working on an essay, and I noticed one student hadn't started working at all. Being the pesky teacher I am, I went over to prompt this student to get going. I was trying to be considerate and identify the issue, and out of nowhere (seemingly), this student exploded. They stood up and began to yell, "I'm not going to do this! It's stupid! It's a waste of my time!" Their chair had fallen over; the whole class was dead silent. The student quickly grew quiet when they realized everyone was looking at them. I knew the next words out of my mouth were going to determine whether the student's behavior was going to escalate or de-escalate. In that moment, all I said was, "I want you to stay in here, but you're making that difficult for me right now. I want to teach you."

The situation de-escalated immediately. I watched the anger fall from that student. I asked them to simply go grab a drink of water and come back. What I didn't realize at the time was the importance of what I said. Not only did the student realize that I truly wanted them there, but the rest of the students in the class got the same message. From that day forward, that student (while they definitely weren't an angel every day) never snapped at me again. 

Telling someone they belong makes a profound difference in whether or not they want to be there.

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Final Thoughts:

Teaching is hard. Most days we are expected to have the patience of someone worthy of sainthood. If our classroom management techniques don't create long-term effects that lessen the behavior management issues we have to deal with every day, then they aren't working. We aren't making our own lives easier if we use strategies that don't produce results. We shouldn't be trying to control students; we should be trying to teach them. In order to truly teach them, students have to know that their perspective matters, their future matters to us, and their presence matters in the classroom. If we are constantly reinforcing those ideas in meaningful, authentic ways, the number of students with recurring behavioral issues will decrease. For some students, they just need someone who's in their corner. Become that person for even the most difficult student, and you would be amazed to see who that student can become.